Astro logic       

By “Dangerous” Bob Sauer

Fate is defined as the inevitability of events in our lives. Historically and currently, millions of people worldwide subscribe to the notion of fate. One legion of that population of believers have determined that fate is less a function of where you were born, but rather a function of precisely when you were born.

Fact: The instant you emerged from your maternal abyss, all of the stars and all of the planets were momentarily aligned in very specific positions.

Belief: That brief, yet unique, celestial alignment will exert influence on your life forevermore.

Let’s consider a really, really big picture. Imagine the canopy of the cosmos as a celestial sphere. That sphere can be neatly divided into 12 slices with each slice 30 degrees wide. Each individual slice has been assigned a fraction of our earthly year, approximately a month each.

Cumulatively, all of those slices constitute the 12 signs of the zodiac and are named after a constellation contained in the individual slice. For those who put credence on the significance of those time periods, every day is somewhat predetermined. For example, if you were born in early December, you, according to the zodiac, are a Sagittarius and, with it all the daily baggage it carries.

Breaking news: Buckle up everyone, because I have a little astrological heads up. When the Moon is in the seventh house and Jupiter aligns with Mars, some really weird and crazy stuff is headed our way. In the meantime, here’s what’s in store for you today:

Aries (March 21-April 19): After the fourth date which resulted from your hook-up on a Christian Singles dating website, you will find out that the Eucharist has absolutely nothing to do with the Milwaukee Brewers Hall of Fame announcer and his wry, witty commentary.

Taurus (April 20-May 20): There an African saying, “If you can talk, you can sing. If you can walk, you can dance.” Since you have difficulty both talking and walking, it might be best, for today at least, to just lay there and shut up.

Gemini (May 21-June 21): You will meet a Scottish highlander and, although he won’t disclose what he wears under his kilt, you will find out what he keeps in his sporran — the furry, little pouch they wear — and be pleasantly disgusted.

Cancer (June 22-July 22): You will mistakenly use Gorilla Glue as a denture adhesive and need a special-order Argon plasma torch to remove your choppers.

Leo (July 23-August 22): A slight miscalculation of a key laser setting before eye surgery will leave you incapable of understanding the English language, lifting your left leg, or tasting salt. Your confidence in driving at night will be noticeably improved, however.

Virgo (August 23-September 22): You will finally decide to cash in the pounds and pounds of loose change you have accumulated in exchange for paper money at the credit union. When your favorite teller, Debbie, asks, “Did you hoard all that yourself?”, you will misinterpret the word “hoard” and take offense to her question.

Libra (September 23-October 23): Realizing it’s Ethnic Appreciation Day at work, you will get up early this morning to scrub the schnitzel stains out of your lederhosen.

Scorpio (October 24-November 21): You will alertly decline an advertised offer for a guaranteed weight loss program that includes eating behavior consultation, supervised exercise, and weekly amputation sessions.

Sagittarius (November 22-December 21): After fiddling with some dashboard buttons on your buddy’s cool, gull-wing door, plutonium-fueled new ride, you will find yourself on the banks of the Ohio River trading carwash tokens for beaver pelts. As it turns out, the last, triangular blinking switch you messed with was the one that makes time travel possible.

Capricorn (December 22-January 19): Andy Kaufman, “Dangerous” Bob, and Jesus are all Capricorns. Coincidence or not?

Aquarius (January 20-February 18): The sharp, incessant tingling in your neck will be reminiscent of the same chronic pain you had after a really bad breakup with that witchy girlfriend. You will dismiss the tingling as deja-voodoo.

Pisces (February 19-March 20): You will once again find yourself flying in an airplane, but this time a flight attendant and the sky marshal will pull you back down into your seat.